Prologue…

She waits for him in his ancestral home, with sand dunes and sandstorms, with long veils clad women she speaks the native fluently as them, she works in the farm, cooks at home, loves the barn and then on some days sits with her laptop working on complex designs and codes which she submits online for review…

When she came to the village, she was a clear contrast to the background, slowly and steadily she accepted the change and the change accepted her well…. from Merlot, Shiraz and Blanc to plain old chai day in day out in a steel saucer… from manicured nails to cow dung cakes… from high ended conferences to afternoon village gossips…she enjoys everything, his occasional visit is a reason for festivity else life is routine… life she chose over everything …. the dreams she dreamt and the dream she lives…. being owned by him, being his, for him… the tale of crazy love… and a crazy girl….

The story

Malad is a place in Mumbai where there are complexes that host MNC offices and you will see 100’s and thousands of young thriving spirits working there 24/7 365 days. The place never sleeps and the sounds of giggles, the smell of cigarette smoke, an occasional cling of beer bottles is a regular flavour of life… its small world, where Mumbai never sleeps.

She worked in one of those high-rise buildings that dominated the landscape. her clothes matched the crowd, the aura, the place, altogether formed an abstract painting where the method in madness could only be gathered by the people living in it. her life was a mirror image of 1000 others who worked there along with her. early morning, late nights, train journeys and bus rides, regular home cooked food doubled by the roadside snack everything that was wanted always was got.

Her career was on kickstart mode but like 1000 others in that area her love life was equally fucked. Dating was nice, sex was regular but emotional connect was like a phobia to most of the inmates of this prison they called MNC environment.

People often moved from one office to another but seldom moved out of the periphery of the complex.

She was no stranger to this phobia, she loved being a part of the whole circle but hated being bound by it. she always wanted someone to lean on. she had friends with whom she shared the darkest deepest secret, Tinder ensured the steady line of date who were willing to pay for the dinner and buy gifts at a drop of hat.

She was smart, intelligent, had a witty tongue and sarcasm worked well with her. she lived a life few dared to wish for and a hell lot more envied. Amidst the game of chase and win, of prey and predator, she often missed her place of comfort. Constant dominance was the idea but that seldom got her the peace she sought.

She often craved for someone who would sweep her off her feet, who would promise her starts and get them for her before stealing a kiss. who would sit in front of her for hours together and still be far apart, who would touch her heart before he tried to gain access to her, and all this was to happen without an effort, it had to be easy, natural and it certainly was a tall tall order to fulfil.

she had almost given up on the idea of meeting anyone ever when one evening she swiped right, and the match came. He was not someone who she otherwise would consider but, on his profile, he wrote the name of the company she once worked for and curiosity as they say killed the cat.

So, the match came, and they started talking, who, when, where, who all etc etc etc, all the normal talks got over and yet they continued to speak, minutes turned into hours. That evening they spoke for 8 hours and nothing seemed to stop them, wonder what had got into them that evening.

this one was different.  he was full of stories, full of life, full of kindness, love, care and was all set to shower her with all of it without really being worried about tomorrow. His eyes were deep, touch was warm, the smell of him created a storm, she had not felt like this before or maybe in long long time. this was a feeling, the guy who had managed to sweep her off her feet with minimum efforts, by just being himself. she found it difficult to get him off her mind. She tried hard not to get off her track and stick to her daily routine of sex, and date, of no strings attached fantasy, but the more tried to let go the more she got caught in the web of stories.

He was different, he cared beyond her imagination, he loved beyond her lust, he held her close but didn’t reach for her breast, he covered her in his arms and yet left her lips stray. He spoke at length about their future together without even indicating the forever though. he spoke about the future of their kids addressing them as his and hers.

he would speak about their house becoming a home and how beautiful it would be to come home to her, she loved the talks otherwise cliché when they came from him for some reason, they seemed bare honest and beautiful.

She often thought nothing he said was true and yet every bone in her body wanted to believe that every little story he weaved and every little lie he fabricated, somewhere deep down she had a feeling what he was saying wasn’t really going to happen. there were never going to be any kids, or evenings together with pink and purple skies to see, there was never going to be another day where he would stand by her and say – love you dear and yet every dream she dreamt with her eyes open she craved for his proposal, she hoped someday he would say let’s be together. It didn’t matter if social acceptance came, it didn’t matter if dreams they dreamt came true.

As time went by, she only hoped someday she would be with him.

He became more than a tinder date for her, soon he was a full-fledged partner, her life support, her dream, her knight in shining armour. All she wanted now was to be a part of him, his world and create a world they dreamt of together.

He too never said no, but there never was a clear yes either. As time went by their meetings became predictable, their “Love you’s” monotonous, the dreams all discussed and those small quick meetings stealing time away from work now dwindled under the ever-increasing demands of office work that came by.

Getting used to, being “used to ” to a certain thing/relationship happens fast – so it happened.

She too after a while stopped complaining about lack of time. Soon she got busy with her office and meetings, the priorities shifted once again from dreams of togetherness to daily realities.

He became a daily reality for her, their dreams possible goals to meet. She worked inch by inch every day hoping someday she would be able to achieve them. See the dreams become reality, hold his hand and walk by his side as his … only his lady.

Life has an interesting way of making you dream the dreams you crave for and then mock you in the cruellest way possible. Now doesn’t that sound familiar.

When she denied the fate, Life made sure she dreamt the dream she so was phobic to and now that she had dared to dream the dream, she was so phobic of, life the cruel bitch that it is, decided to play the cards.

One such afternoon when the day had been exceptionally long and all she could think of was to find the much-needed solace in his arms, he confessed the truth, the story behind the constant absence of being. The reason why he was always there to weave the dream but when it came to be living it, he often backed out so far enough that he could barely be heard or seen.

The blow was cruel, was not something she wanted to face, not something she wanted to believe was true. The silence of shattering dream was deafening. She could barely hear herself think that day when he confessed. He had a daughter, a son, a wife, a house not very far from where she lived. The possibility of them being together no more existed. All she could hear was white noise while he attempted to justify his actions and love for her, all she did was to sit there listening to the white noise and see him look at her with those ever-expressive eyes that she had fallen in love with.

He couldn’t snap her out of her state that day, neither could she. She sat in front of him oblivious to the surrounding listening to the white noise while the moments spent together flashed in front of her eyes.

His existence now was a mere addition to the decor of the room. she was in the state of denial and disbelief and snapping out of it was proving difficult, it was an impossible task to come to terms with cruel blow the life had mocked her with.

he sat there, opposite her waiting for her to react. Her gaze was in trance, her body still, she sat there still like a lifeless mannequin with real emotionless eyes.

Soon the staff dwindled, and someone shook her indicating that they had to leave the premises. She looked at that person with the same lost expression, stood up and walked out. He scrambled behind her, wanting, praying, in fact begging to the universe to get a reaction out of her.

Her home was not too far away, she walked through the crowded road undisturbed in trance state while he struggled behind her. Lost in her trance she headed right in the house, in the bedroom and sat still on her bed. he had no will, heart to disturb her. He waited a bit and then left locking the door behind him.

Days after that followed in the same pattern. she would enter the office in autopilot mode and he would follow her every evening to pull the door behind him when he left. Her gaze still stoned, her body still autopilot, her minimum interaction to the world was now starting to worry him.

He always knew her as a strong woman, someone who could deal with the cruellest of blows of life without a hitch and yet this one confession had broken her to pieces. This was the first time he could feel the helplessness creep in. He could feel his incompetent existence in life and yet he couldn’t really do much but to wait and watch.

he tried all tricks, fighting, flirting, pleading, loving, hating but nothing worked.

he couldn’t think of anything new to get her to come back to what she had been.

Now every dark cloud has a silver lining and every dark night is followed by the dawn, 

She came back, out of her lifeless state of mind. That morning when he reached his desk, he found a big bouquet of rose, dark red bounded together in beautiful elegant raw silk soft paper with pearl white satin ribbon with glittery rim and a note that said…

“It’s not easy to let go!!

But I can still be yours,

If you wish…

Let’s talk, I have something in mind”

He smiled, he knew she was back, although he wasn’t sure how much, and for how long and what was she going to suggest…

The whole suspense made him get an anxiety attack. All he wanted to do was to grab her hand and walk out to their place, where he could cup her face, kiss her on her forehead and hold her close to him, just like the old times, tell her he loved her a lot and hear her dreamy “Humm” acknowledgement.

But he had to wait, wait till he knew she was ready, willing to be in his arms, willing to accept the fate, willing to live with the truth. That evening she seemed back yet disoriented like she was holding back the love she so wanted to unleash. They settled at the regular table, ordered the regular beer and waited for it to arrive.

She looked like a Buddha statue, calm and serene but he could sense the storm brewing within her. He shifted his gaze nervously not wanting to meet hers. He didn’t want to meet hers, he knew he couldn’t deny her the wish and he also knew if she asked for something, he may not be able to say “yes” either. He didn’t want her in the inhuman state again. he just couldn’t get himself in that spot again.

She: “How have you been?”

He: ” I should be asking you this”

She smiled a bit: ” well!! you know I have been better.”

He: “Yes a lot better!”

She: ” So here is what I wanted to talk to you”

He could sense her anxiety and excitement both together, the kind of expression she had when she wasn’t really sure of her idea.

She continued, I want to marry you she proclaimed with a steady voice and unsure tone. His expression changed, from shock, anger, helplessness, concern, to disbelief when he realised that she meant every word she was saying.

She must have read his expressions well, she continued with the same tone…

“look I know, you are married and have kids and I am absolutely ok with that, but the hassle is I still want you to be a part of my life, I still want our dreams to come true. I still want to be owned by you.

Now you got to decide in next 7 days how this is going to be achieved.

I really don’t care whether you want to tell your wife about us or do you want to keep us a secret.”

she was talking fast, she always did this when she wanted things to happen at a greater speed. She hated waiting periods, patience was not a virtue she was even willing to acknowledge.

He looked stunned and speechless, processing this demand wasn’t an easy job. Besides, the whole thing was logistically flawed.

He didn’t know how to answer, he didn’t want to answer, this was the scenario he had envisioned a million times ever since she first hugged him and no matter how hard he tried to adjust the permutation and combination the reality was that he could never do justice to her,  her love, the immense faith she had put in him, he not wanting you look into her eyes and give away his helplessness.

She must have tested she knew him pretty well she just got up from her seat when close to him please her Palm on his Shoulders text him on history sheet and whispered

Take your time I am ok with whatever you decide but this time I need complete truth please

And walked away without looking back that was something he didn’t expect now in VI he wonder how and what he was going to do about it coming up with a plan to keep her without promising the norms was going to was not going to be easy and something that he had Dodge for a long time was now right in the face

They were to meet every day, yet he had time till next week to come back come up with a plan she met him every day seemed as normal as one could imagine her to be and then give a hint of her expectations

This was driving him crazy, he didn’t know how to go about it, he couldn’t get the dots together to work around the challenge. After day two he wasn’t even feeling sure that he wanted it in first place. All this, the whole having an affair and the thrill of it was something that sounded good at the start it sure gave him a good cake but now it had started to feel like a bondage with he is being a submissive, to the current affairs and a little breathing air.

A week later nothing had changed he still didn’t know what she was expecting and how much he would be able give, the evening they met he still set tongue tied with absolute blank expression and the puppy eyes hoping things would miraculously change and get sorted but nothing like this happened, she waited for a while and finally addressed the elephant in the room

She: Do you have any idea how this is going to be worked out? have you even given a it a thought?

he: No, I mean I gave it a thought, but I don’t have a slightest clue

She: What the f*** what were you thinking? did you think I would never know? How long did you think this was going to go on?

She was now physically annoyed and every single nerve in her body now wanted to strangle him without any of bit regret

He: I wasn’t thinking love I swear you were a whiff of fresher for me after a long long time I was learning to breathe I didn’t want to let go I don’t want to let go I want you to stay…

she: right exactly so what have you thought about it? I know you haven’t, I kind of anticipated that so I took the liberty to think and this is what I have thought and this is what we are going to do, still unsure of what she was going to come up with he shifted nervously
She: Do you remember you had mentioned about your house back in the village
he: Yeah what about that
she: What if we move there
he: Are you insane I have a job you have one too, remember I have a family too..
she: Look am not asking you to move when I am saying is let me marry you and I will move to the village and be yours forever
he: Do you even hear yourself girl, forget me and my family but you have worked your ass off to get where you are, and now you think of letting it all go and besides it’s ain’t easy to stay in village. What do you know about life in the village? have you ever even gone for a vacation there?

He was Furious now not because he didn’t want her to move or not to get married to her but because he couldn’t come to terms with the flimsy filmy Idea she had come up with. What was she thinking? she was loud now, he could see the Convection in her eyes, the obsession,

The more he looked in her eyes the more he realises how far she had ventured in the relationship

She: Why aren’t you happy? I am willing to give up all this, I am happy to be yours, to stay far away from you, giving you the sole right to decide when would you see me, you are going to continue to flourish in your career, grow in your life, live with your kids, what’s your f****** problem you are getting a Win-Win situation.

It was difficult for him to react now, too furious  at this Crazy childish Idea he was making every single attempt to get her to get up and head home , she continued with her rant and her speech to get him to believe her and agree  with her, he held her by her hand and walked out, got her in his car and drove to her apartment…

She kept insisting on her plan and he kept mum throughout, the minute he got her in the apartment all here there was to take her close and give her a long hug

He could hear her mumble now she held him tight and sobbed hysterically with her fingernails digging into his arms he could feel the pain the anger the helplessness she had held in within her all these days. For once he just wanted to give into her demand if that would get some solace and then in a fraction of a second, he knew her demand was wrong her demand was meaningless and it certainly was not acceptable

He had prepared himself for the demand that said I would come to stay at your house but this was not something he was willing to agree upon he loved her, he wanted to cherish her, the whole essence of being the young independent talented beautiful woman that she was and he was so proud of, wasn’t something he was going to let go and let her ruin it for some crazy fantasy she had.

She sobbed till she no longer could stay awake and then still holding him firm her body gave away. He carried her to the bed, he couldn’t believe the change that had got in her in a matter of weeks that despair, the fatigue, the pain, the grief, was visible on her face even when she was asleep. she still was holding onto his arms and in unconscious state the tears were still running down from corner of her eyes, he laid her down on the bed she was still holding on to his arms, he sat next to the bed stroking her hair for a while making sure she had slept and left for his house hoping the next morning would be better.

That night, however, Proved the longest for him to survive, he had seen her strong and wild cherished every part of her craziness, loved her being wild. Her arrogance, her love, her pride her whole being arrested in him, he knew that how difficult the past few days had been for her, she was here crumbling like a dead butterfly wing into nothingness was somehow his personal defeat.

He believed himself there was no one else to blame he couldn’t get around the idea of not having her in the office and he would never agree to send her away to a place that wasn’t really made for a princess like her.

Villages are corrosive, coarse, not even the heads wife have the rights to venture out in the broad daylight without avail covering her head, how was his love ever going to survive the mannerism, the limitations, the crudeness of life that village offered. she had only seen villages in like his Bollywood movies and nothing was as charming in the village as they showed on the curtains…

and this girl of his just wanted to give up everything she had just to be in his arms.

The whole idea was beyond his scariest nightmare, of not having her around, being in veils living her life like an aimless animal it had been years he had been to his own village and she was planning to go to the village to be there forever the thought of not see her face ever more just for the want of owning her was something that had not crossed his mind. But owning her, that sounded enticing, he wanted to give it a thought what was the harm to try if she didn’t fit in, she could come right back right back to the city life. this thought was something he was working on for a while now it had been almost 3 months since she discovered his real life.

The next day she didn’t come to the office, worried as he was, he took a half day and headed to her place. The door looked locked, the key he had with him was something he had never used, he had her home before him every single evening, he was not prepared to open the door, the fear of finding unthinkable was too big to ignore. He couldn’t keep waiting outside, the locked door, the minute he entered his worst fears came true. he found her with a slit wrist, high on alcohol lying next to the sofa. he couldn’t believe what he was seeing, neither could he react. For a moment, he froze, wanting the dream the nightmare to get over, something snapped, and he rushed to her. She was still alive, he picked her up, she had lost weight he could feel the weightless body while he carried her into his car. It took 12 hours of battling with fate when finally, the doctor announced she was not helping them to help her she wasn’t trying to survive she kept giving up on herself. he was allowed in the unit to see her he sat next to her for the next three days making sure even in the unconscious mode she sensed him, he made her aware he was there for her all the time. it was on the day 4 when she finally opened her eyes the doctor probably more excited than anyone else.

This was an outright success story she had survived, when he came to the hospital that evening, she was in a semi-conscious state. He knew she could recognize him now, the spark in her eyes was enough to tell him that, he sat there telling her how life has been and what was happening in the office and so on while she held his hands tighter and firmer then she had done ever before. He could see your eyes glisten and tears flow down the corner of her I she was too weak to move, to speak, to react that day. All she kept saying was “stay back, don’t let go” and in no time should return to her slumber.

The doctors told him that this was something to expect but wasn’t something that was appreciated. it was clear without her will to survive they could no longer fight the battle alone. he left that evening without waiting for her to wake up when she did, she found a ring and a note kept near her pillow, it was his ring the one they had bought together, and the note had her dreams written on it.

 

 

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