i stood there holding he scarf, waiting for a miracle to happen and her to appear back – back again just the way he was , beautiful, vibrant, full of life…………

standing there her images flashed before my eyes taking me back to our time together, our den, our love, our friendship, those first few days…. those stolen moments, her face, her eyes, ever so alive… ever so kind….

she was crazy i could tell……. though everything she did was in accordance to the social norms there were times when she would just do plain simple crazy things, she would kiss me in the middle of the street, cry like a baby in the movie theatre, yell when she wasn’t served her coffee right , wear denims and faded t-shirt to the most classy place in the town……… i don’t know but all that just made her person she was ……………. the crazy gal…………

the other day when I was supposed to meet her and tell her that I don’t think we were made for each other I had to rehearse the whole thing at least a hundred times before I delivered….. I was expecting that she would certainly react… a couple of slaps……. yelling…….. screaming ……… asking me why?

asking me to reconsider………. asking me to hold her………….. i knew she would eventually just hug me and then let go with her watery eyes. I was expecting her to say a lot of mean things………. and a lot of you and us talk, a blame game to follow, and then a series of calls in coming weeks till she knew that there was not going to be any change… I was sure I did not want her to be a part of my life any more………yet she was the closest and the best thing happened to me ……………. she was someone I could be truthful with ………….. it didn’t worry me that she would think I was stupid…….. somewhere I knew she won’t……………. It didn’t worry that she would be annoyed /awkward/appalled by my farting/ smoking/burping and all the other things you women get irked with ………… she was ever accepting and most comfortable to be with ………….. she could justify anything from pre/post material affairs to homosexual relationships…………… and she accepted all those things with equal ease. I don’t know why I was breaking up with her………. something had got into me………… something not predictable……………. it wasn’t that I was in love with someone but there was this girl who had too many do’s and don’ts attached ………… something that I had to strive to get…………. not easy available kinds……..

So there she walked in, her usual blue denim, Tshirt, and old navy hood………. shoes with strings undone and hair tied in high ponytail…….. but she didn’t have her watch today………. she wears these oversized watches ………. I often tease her that she wears wall clocks on her hands……… no lipstick either……… she doesn’t look good without a lipstick ……… she looks as if she is sick…………. I don’t like her looking like that…………. I don’t like her when she is down with fever or cold she seems disconnected ……. but then I don’t think I should be worried on these aspects now…….. I have to tell her………. get across my emotions to her and I want her attention for that….. actually a little bit of disconnection is better somehow it takes her 100% attention off me ………….. so kinda easy for me to deliver……………. wonder what’s wrong with her………….

there she doesn’t even look up ……. walking straight towards our college group………….didn’t she notice me? I am standing here………….. just a few feet away talking

to my new found interest………. what’s up with her ? on any other day she would have made my life hell for being in different place then my group………….. grrrrrr……………

can this girl just get a grip………….. her walk with droopy shoulders and bowed head has started to get on me …………. I don’t like her like that ……….. I am quite sure something must have happened at home may be her mom said something or her dad…….. wish she was just in her usual mood at least by now I could have started talking..

thinking about cutting the suspense and just asking her what happened…. I moved towards the group and waited for her. She appeared to be in trans in a separated world……………. everybody in the group was busy talking about the exams next week …………. with practicals being submitted and last dates being announced………………… sitting arrangements……. notes………… she is just nodding occasionally, a smile here and there……….. but mostly she appears lost ………… lost in her own world or maybe in her own self…………… we move to have tea where I get a chance to walk next to her..

I hold her hand slowly and look at her hoping she would look back ……….. an eye contact ………but she does she keeps walking… she isn’t holding my hand I am holding hers………… she, she is just walking with her head down…….. as if she is counting the small pebbles on the road………….

I squeeze her hand a bit hoping for some kind of reaction but not given…. mustering courage I ask her “what’s wrong ? ” ( she generally doesn’t react like this to any situation….. she handles them pretty well ……….. so when she does react…….. we all are worried)…..

she just nods in denial not looking up; not saying anything she just slows down letting the group go ahead………….. I walk in the same pace to match hers………. be are behind the group now walking by ourselves……. wondered how no one noticed……… but noone stopped or looked back at us…… they all just kept walking to let us be by ourselves………. we trailed a wee bit more and then she suddenly looked up at me…………. her eyes were filled with water and for some odd reason even thought i admit to being daft incase of understanding love/pain and other emotions from facial expression I could still know she was in pain ……… alot of pain……. something she couldnt handle and wanted her to get off her shoulder..but couldnt……… she ddnt say anything but kept looking at me…….. for a moment I thought she would hold me and plant a kiss on my forehead……. i look at her hoping my expressions are not giving away what I had decided to talk………. she looked down not wanting me to react …… she spoke softly not wanting others to hear…. words sounded very rehearsed…. as if she knew what my reactions were gonna be………….. without much pause she gave one plain sentence…….. no emotions……. no trembling in the voice……. no dips in the pitch giving away the emotion…….. ” I think we shouldn’t meet anymore !”

Thats it ???? with all the efforts that i had taken for past few days rehearsing and preparing myself to tell her and tolerate the reactions she was giving ……… she gives away the whole thing without even a tremble in her voice……… what happened to her reactive personality………. ahhhh how was i suppose to react to this……… my sincere hope was that she ddnt not catch my feeling of being let off the hook showing across my face………… i was hoping i could somehow give an expression of surprise, of sudden sadness, i wondered what i was looking like …………….. it ddnt matter ……. she was back to counting the pebbles on the street…… did it even matter to her that she wasnt gonna meet me ever again……… coz that wat she said……….. but dd she even understand what she was talking……….. i mean i had prepared myself for not talking to her and all but now that I was really happening i wasnt really sure if i was prepared for it…………. if i could work around my daily routines without her being a part of it……. who would be by my side when I was feeling low, who would fight with me on petty things, who would love me unconditionally ……….. it scared me

i still wondered what was it………. did I really liked the not so easy girl so much that I wanted to let go of the comfort zone I had known all this while………….. I wasn’t sure………… I am still not sure of what’s happening……….

by now she had gone ahead, I didn’t notice that I had left her hand, was it a reflex to her statement ………….she was at least 10 steps ahead me, me catching up with the rest of the group………..walking alone …… with all of them…… her shoulders a little less droopy now …….. her face much more relaxed…. she stood there discussing something….. somewhere during her talks she had left her hair open and I could see her moving her hands through her hair… trying to tuck them behind her ears.

its been 3 days I haven’t heard from her leave alone meeting her……….. she barely comes to college and strictly sits with her girlfriends and walks off as soon as the lecture is over…….. funny she was never into lectures …… I haven’t met that not so easy girl either… where has she been………… why are these girls so confusing………….

one morning I got a call from my friends ……. they mentioned she was leaving the town for good……. and told me it was just me who could stop her…… it didn’t matter I was too mad at her for ignoring me ….. it didn’t bother me if she was gonna go ……… the train left and so did she

its been months that I have heard anything from her…….. I miss her, I miss her rawness, the unsophisticated approach to life, the craziness which I so didn’t like then……. the holding hands, the comforting hugs, her being there for me…………

I miss her….. there I was standing at the crossroad with the scarf ……..  it was my comfort blanket version… hoping for a miracle to happen and her to meet me out of nowhere……….. just the way she disappeared …