It’s been a while that I have been thinking of healing. What is healing? Where does it start? Do I have to learn something to achieve it? Do I have to PRAY to heal myself? Do I have to SACRIFICE? Do I have to FAST? (I love eating, so this can’t be the possible way). Do I have to CRY my guts out? Do I have to FORGIVE all the wrongdoings to me? (I don’t forgive nor forget, but I do have a bad memory). Do I really need to HEAL myself? And if I do, OF WHAT DO I HAVE TO GET RID OF? In order to feel HEALED.

Why is such a show of bravery needed? Why such a desperate need to please the world? They can’t feel the pain on your behalf. They can’t heal you on your behalf.

I really haven’t managed to find answers to these questions, but over the years, I have realized a few things that help me to be in a sane state of mind. Of course, each one of us has our own ways to maintain sanity in our individual lives. We come out as a stronger person after each episode of a setback, at least that’s what I was made to believe ever since I was young. No offense meant to anyone because they were taught that, and they passed on this method and stereotype pattern onto the next generation. A pattern of pretense, a pattern where you pretend to have grown stronger, wiser, efficient, learned, and of course, become a little more adult than what you were before the setback (it can be anything right from your first love dumping you to your most important professional assignment going down the drain).

Of all the setbacks I have had over the years, I have NOT become a STRONGER PERSON, or a WISER PERSON, or a LITTLE MORE ADULT than what I was. Yes, I have become a little more CAUTIOUS of wearing my heart on my sleeves and playing my politics well, but it certainly hasn’t made me any wiser or learned. It has taught me, though, that when the situation comes, we all face it with an equal amount of zest to overcome the issue and come out smiling victoriously. And then there are times we don’t. We lose. We don’t like the outcome. We resent getting into that situation. We are HURT, and seldom do we recognize the feeling, the fact that we are HURT. We immediately put on a brave face for the world to see and pretend that “So what if things didn’t go as planned, I can still survive!” Of course, we survive. We all do because that’s what we are patterned to do. What we don’t understand is we don’t recognize the feeling of being HURT. We refuse to grieve over the loss and pain that is felt deep inside beyond the physical visualization. We refuse that we too have the need to cry openly and tell that “Yes, I am hurt!! And I am not going to be brave or happy or normal or sane for a while.” We refuse to tell ourselves that we too need time to accept change.

Open yourself to the grief you have been harboring in your heart for all these years and let go of all the pain you have collected over the years in you. This is not a one-day process. It will take months. It will take a lot of conscientious effort of accepting someone else’s will that doesn’t suit you and respecting it because he/she too has the right to his/her life too. Cry if you want. Tear pages. Go for long walks. Sit next to the sea and hear the waves. Speak to someone who can hear your deepest fears. Don’t worry if they find them silly because they too have their silly fears. Accept the fact that you deserve to be happy for a change and not hold on to some old memory that just brings you more pain every time you remember it. I know you can’t forget it or forgive it, but you sure can accept it and go beyond it.

It was a tedious journey for me, and it is constantly on, but I move on, and now it doesn’t matter whether people think good or bad about me. I am what I am, and if they are happy for me, I am happy. If they are not, well, that’s for them to figure out. Hope your journey to healing is as fruitful as mine.