You messaged me last night… and it sure brought up the smile…

When you left for the first time much against my instinct my brain told me you wont return. Your calls would grow rare and slowly diminish to occasional “hi/hellos” bound and dictated by your work timings…..

Past has really not done anything to give hope and all the anxiety came pouring down the minute your phone went off..

It’s not that I didn’t trust you or was doubting you intentions. But I was still getting used to you being around when you announced that you were leaving …… I didn’t want you to go cause long distance relationships don’t work you know…. They just don’t survive the test of time and temptations surrounding…

I didn’t want you to go cause I was starting to realize that after a decade or more I was in love again… not the sacrificing love, not the adjustment love, not the love where you give or take, not the love where you worry and grieve…. it was love of fresh essence, pretty hues, it was love that made me feel completely young like a teenager, I giggled and smiled, I took efforts to look pretty I wanted to be beautiful, your reassurances made me feel pretty again…

It was the first time someone had noticed my eyes, my lips, the first time some had held me close enough for me to hear the heart beat without trying anything sleazy… it was the first time someone was investing time in me to make me feel good…

I was scared, insecure and crazy like a teen cause I didn’t trust the destiny …. I was scared you wont come back, you would forget me instantly like in wink…. I was somehow convinced that I was nothing but a time gap arrangement for you…

So you left and my life stood still,  the 10 days that I had spent being loved, pampered, about you being crazy with me, were all gone… nothing seemed right that evening….. the night was exceptionally long and dark and cold … so cold that shivers ran down my spine and the realization dawn.. you have a life of your own and I had to respect it, I had to let you go….

It wasn’t easy, managing sense and sensibilities without you around, your time was supposed to be mine, your love my pride, your attention my life…. you had set me free and allowed me to dream, you had made me realize there was so much more to life and I was just about started learning it, loving it, living it and you decided to go I don’t blame you…. you were suppose to leave on day one and you stayed.. my days with you were numbered even before we started…..

You kept messaging me back, my responses spontaneous and eager, you kept letting me know when, why, what, my reactions were startled, you showered me with attention I comforted in your words, you told me you are there to stay and I made a mental note…

You were going to be around for ever more you said and I believed every word you said was true… you stayed connected through the next 10 days and then a few more…. you kept reassuring and loving and asserting of how and where I stood in your life… you taught me to breath without you  and yet every breathe I took sounded of you..

The day you left for your home I was exhausted, too exhausted to cry, too sad to grieve, to choked to let out a sigh, too messed up to understand how to work around myself without you…

The day after was long, sad and super grumpy.. it just wouldn’t end.. nothing seemed right, absolutely nothing,.. I wanted the day to end and my phone to die…at least I would have a reason to blame… I wanted the time to freeze and so my pain with it… that evening for the first time I realized how crazy I was for you and no amount of affirmation and logical practical thinking was going to measure up to make me go away from you ……

Then last night you messaged me to check if I had my dinner… no I had not… the whole day I just couldn’t and for some reason I am sure you knew I wouldn’t eat cause you seemed pretty certain of my state of affairs when you checked on me… your messaged managed to pull me out of some of the darkest patch… I know we haven’t spoken but every time you address me over the app i can hear you say it… I can hear your voice … like its stuck in my head…

I am glad you were around, you gave me the most beautiful time of my life, you gave me the touch and memories which will last me for a life time…. I know you will be around… I hear the words when you type them for me to read and I know they ring true for now…